Nanee

Dorothy Nelle Lee Stanford Hutts is my grandmother, although I call her Nanee. She has been like another parent to me. We went out to lunch once a week, we talked almost every day, and she is more proud of me than anyone else on this planet.

I lost my Nanee 3 years ago today. It hurts just as bad as it did that day, but in a way it's easier to deal with. When my family is going through a hard time I desperately wish that I could just ask her for advice, or squeeze her hand, or just lay there in her arms, and that's the hardest part. As time goes by I feel like I need her more than ever.

She always had the best advice. When you're in your 80's and survived the depression, divorce, death, cancer, and all of the crap that life throws at you, it gives the most amazing perspective. She never sugar coated anything, but was so good at putting things in perspective and realizing that it's not the end of the world, even though you might feel that way. When she died I thought my world was over and that my family could never survive without her, but somehow we've made it so far.

She is my biggest cheerleader. I will KNOW for the rest of my life that my Nanee is so proud of me. When I won the senior design award in college, she had been gone a few months, and I stood up on stage to receive the award, wearing Nanee's pearls, I just about lost it because she wasn't there. She's the one who introduced me to O'More, and told me that I could do anything - even be a designer - as long as I was willing to do the work to make it happen. When she died she had just gotten out her favorite scarf - one I had knitted - and put it on the dresser to wear it.

She taught me so much about what it means to be a woman. Although she was conservative, Nanee taught us to be strong and be able to care for ourselves before we could let anyone else take care of us. Her first fiance died in the war, she and my grandfather had to get a divorce, and the love of her life died of cancer 5 years after they got married. She lived alone, in her own home, until she died at age 84. She had the busiest social schedule I've ever seen, and at her funeral so many people (who I didn't even know) told me that she was the best friend they ever had. She told me to treat the garbage man the same way as you treat the governor, and valued every person she met.

Her faith was amazing. That (and her wisdom) were probably the result of a long life, but it was a huge influence on me. I still think "How would Nanee handle this?" or "What would she say?". She was so thankful for every little thing in life, and didn't take much for granted.

She was also a whole lot of fun. She loved football and golf. We'd watch the PGA tour together and would talk about the cute senior tour golfers. When my dear friend Carrie took me to the first Titans game in (now) LP Field, I called Nanee so she could hear the crowd and she was so excited! After games I'd call her and we'd re-hash great runs, or dropped passes, and I still pick up the phone to call her in halftime. When my brother got a motorcycle, she had the best time taking it for a spin (clutching on to him very tight). On her 84th birthday my uncle took her out on his scooter and she rode down the street with a huge smile on her face waving to the neighbors like Miss America.

We'd argue about politics (the day she died she was still trying to convince me to vote for Bush), and I didn't understand why certain social graces were so important to her, but whenever we drank a coke at her house she would thoroughly clean out the empty can and take it to the recycling center in Green Hills. I'll never forget the day that my ex and I took her out to brunch after church. When the check came, he took out his wallet but she had grabbed the check first. She said "It's been 30 years since a man took me out to lunch, and I'm not letting it happen now!"

She held her head up high through whatever was going on, and I pray all the time to have just an ounce of her poise and grace. Now I better understand the importance of manners, grace, and family ties. Sometimes I look in the mirror and for a split second, I see her. A friend of hers stopped by my parent's house recently. It was so great to see her, but she left rather abruptly. Later she told my mom that it was so hard to see the family and not see Nanee, and that I reminded her so much of Nanee that she burst into tears. It was the biggest compliment I have ever received.

Since Nanee died I broke up with the man I thought I would marry, graduated college, got my first one-bedroom apartment, and tried my hand at the real world. My brother has lived all across the country, moved back to Nashville, bought a house, and gotten married. My sister has had 2 children, and my parents moved into her condo.

Mom and Dad knocked down a couple of walls, re-painted, updated the kitchen and bathrooms, and put their own spin on her home. Now I take my nephews swimming in the pool I grew up with, and we watch Titans games in the same den, we make her homemade rolls in front of the same kitchen window, and celebrate all of our family's traditions in that same house. It's filled with the same generosity and love that she showed us - and still shows. Tomorrow night we are celebrating Buddha Bear's first birthday and will take pictures of him sitting in the same position that my brother, sister, and I were at our first birthday. Her traditions kept us together, and strong, and it was (and is) always so much fun to be together. When I enter that home I know I am safe, and loved, except now when I pull out of the carport it's my mom and dad waving to me and not Nanee. I can still see her waving outside the kitchen door until I'm down the street.

It still surprises me that it hurts so badly to not have her here with me. I'm crying my eyes out and my stomach hurts and I have a huge knot in my throat just like 3 years ago. But it's easier to switch to "thankful mode" now. It's easier to remember everything that she taught me and to know that I will always have that. I still learn from her every day. I think about her every day - some of her art hangs in my apartment, I wear the silver bracelet she gave me, I think of her when I see an off-white Cadillac, and I especially think about her when I look into the eyes of my older nephew - he looks just like her. And acts like her too. I hate that she never met her great-grandchildren, but in one sense she knew them before we did.

Nanee is still my biggest fan, and I still ask her for advice, although the answers are not as clear. Her favorite Bible verse was Psalm 100 - and I read it when I think of her, even though I've had it memorized for years. It sums up everything that made her smile. Hope it makes someone else smile too. Psalm 100, verse 5:

For the Lord is good and his love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.